Friday, October 22, 2010

Resentments

I think I have blinders on ... I probably live like I do.  There is a mountain of necessary life that I feel like I must burrow myself into just to make it through by some sort of acceptible margin (though it never feels acceptible).  Then I run into something from my past.  WHAM!  Suddenly the resentment surges.  It's not without reason.  The opposite is true.  It is very much with reason!

But it might be that very thing that holds me back from taking a moment-by-moment appreciative stroll through life. 

I guess when deep, deep hurt comes at the hands of another person it's hard not to feel like they need to feel deep, deep hurt, too.  And not just for a moment ... but for at least as long as they were the ones doing the hurting. 

So if a specific person has been racking up the "hurt miles" big time for over 20 years, and I still feel like I'm scraping through the leftover muck and will be for the rest of my life, I'm sure it's understandable that I feel like any happiness that comes that person's way is completely undeserved.  But that doesn't make it right, either.

Early on, I thought I could forgive - and even understand.  As the years go by, it actually gets more difficult.  I guess it's because the hurt continues.  Resolution would be good.  Change would be even better.  But I secretly wish revenge was an option.  I'd have leverage like you wouldn't believe!

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