Thursday, April 09, 2015
The "I" Project
In 2004, I started the "I Project" which involved rediscovering myself. At the time, I had come upon some shocking news that my husband was a closet pedophile and a master manipulator who had been emotionally abusing everyone near him. Hard to believe until I got involved with professionals who deal with these kinds of things all the time. It was true. I had unknowingly married an abuser, and I had lost myself.
I started to look through photos of decades past and read old journal entries. I was looking for things that resonated with the "real me" that I had forgotten. What I found was AMAZING!
Without going into details, it turns out that I knew more than I had ever realized. It seemed like my dreams and even my inner thoughts knew what was happening, but my logical mind fought it because I thought I was being selfish.
The big lesson? TRUST myself ... as long as I was committed to God's will and seeking His path, I should have trusted what seemed like me. Evidently it was His Spirit in me.
Lesson learned? Not quite. I had to go through a few more years in the opposite ditch before I was able to separate myself from the past - good and bad - and simply seek God.
One night on my balcony, I burned photos and memorabilia that was significant to a subsequent relationship that never quite got to the place of having God first. It hurt. But it was also cleansing.
Since then I have had continued challenges, but my foremost aim - even amidst repentance for being human far too much (LOL - like we all are) - is to keep God in His place in my heart.
I am thankful for grace, forgiveness, redemption, and restoration. He is a VERY good God, and I am so humbly grateful to be His. :-)