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Showing posts from April, 2015

The "I" Project

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In 2004, I started the "I Project" which involved rediscovering myself. At the time, I had come upon some shocking news that my husband was a closet pedophile and a master manipulator who had been emotionally abusing everyone near him. Hard to believe until I got involved with professionals who deal with these kinds of things all the time. It was true.  I had unknowingly married an abuser, and I had lost myself.

I started to look through photos of decades past and read old journal entries.  I was looking for things that resonated with the "real me" that I had forgotten.  What I found was AMAZING! 

Without going into details, it turns out that I knew more than I had ever realized.  It seemed like my dreams and even my inner thoughts knew what was happening, but my logical mind fought it because I thought I was being selfish.

The big lesson? TRUST myself ... as long as I was committed to God's will and seeking His path, I should have trusted what seemed like me…

Hope

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Words of the soul
finding voice
finding light
finding peace in the night

When daylight comes
they find peace
like a prize
I breathe in the wind
and take shelter in shade
counting my blessings
in another new day

Colors awaiting
like art in a dream
they bring life to hopes
uttered within

Gifts

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A friend got me thinking about gifts ... not the kind that are wrapped up and given to people on special occasions, but those that are placed in people that can be a powerful blessing to others.

We all have them. Some people don't think they have gifts, but they do.  EVERYONE has gifts present within them. And when they are unwrapped, they bring a whole different kind of gift to the world.

I was very blessed to grow up in a home that encouraged me to be who I was and express myself (with limits, of course - sometimes my creative spirit included clothing styles that the world just wasn't ready for or were honestly inappropriate but I was too naïve to realize [I am remembering my father censoring some shorts that left my "butt hanging out" and I really didn't agree. LOL. But looking back, THANK YOU DAD!]).

Then I experienced a marriage in which many of my gifts were invalidated ... but invisibly. I was doing my best to not be selfish, to follow God, and to yield…

F***!

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FART! Fart. f.a.r.t.

I don't swear, so I need to be creative.  My substitute for h*** is "hooty-hoo" ... just ask my daughter. LOL! When we listen to music in the car, sometimes a word pops up to surprise us in the lyrics and the substitutes come in very handy, send the message that the language isn't appropriate, and usually get at least a semi-entertained response from my teen.

Today held a different kind of disappointing surprise. Conflict has risen to the surface. I want to trust and believe the best. However, my fears from the past cause me to be reluctant and skeptical. AND ... it seems like my fears win out over my idealistic perspective when they shouldn't and vice versa when they should!

We have had a string of good weeks, which is AMAZING for us. It also had me secretly concerned. My concerns were valid. Discovering that erases those weeks of cross-my-fingers-maybe-a-turning-point-has-come hopes.

I want to list all the challenges ... tell the world ...…

Easter

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John 20:11-13 (MSG) But Mary stood outside the tomb weeping. As she wept, she knelt to look into the tomb and saw two angels sitting there, dressed in white, one at the head, the other at the foot of where Jesus’ body had been laid. They said to her, “Woman, why do you weep?”

Why do I weep?

Maybe because I am a woman? (LOL).
Because my heart is engaged.
I miss someone.  And sometimes that someone is me.
My heart is drawn out to God.
My dreams are torn.
Worlds collide.
I feel relief.

But this weekend, I wept because I saw new life. I watched others as they probably felt all of these things while they heard about new beginnings that could spring from the God-shaped hole in each of their hearts.  Not just a beginning ... a NEW beginning.  Fresh. Clean. Beautiful. Worthy of tears.

Delays

Delays just happen.
They wear invisible suits
And strip when they want!

Cougars

This one will be big! I have to come back later as a migraine diverted my day. :-(

Before

Before midnight's hour
Bask in chaos of the day
The words find meaning

Absence

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I have been absent quite a while. But I am coming alive. My world is long overdue for an awakening.

"But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing!" --Romans 13: 11 (MSG)