How slow do you want the fire to burn?

 

Just a little over a year ago, I had an urge to set up my special writing place. One person I wanted to tell was my aunt because I had been thinking how long it took me to get back to a place of writing--FOR ME. That urge happened just before she passed away. I probably wrote about it on Instagram, but tonight I'm writing here because I don't want it to post to Facebook, which is where my Instagram accounts lead. 

I am really hurting. 

Ironically this blog started because it was a connection with family and friends 20 years ago while I and my kids went through a massive crisis. Now I'm using it as a silent place while yet another crisis wave splashes on the shores. It hasn't stopped.

I came here to write and gasped at the last blog. I forgot I had written it until I saw it. Sanctuary.

This place that was to become a sanctuary is about to be "condemned." The floors and appliances will be torn out. Most of everything will follow the parade to a massive dumpster. The roof might be torn off as well, and who knows what the mold experts will find in the vents. It will be rebuilt, of course. It will be restored. Tonight I contemplate this: 

How slow do you want the fire to burn? I feel like that's the question I must answer for the helpful few who hold matches ready. Their estimates calculate the dollars and time to destroy and restore.

On the other side, I will curate the life I desire for myself. But wow is it hard to make these decisions.

A - Abide (Resilience A-to-Z Blog Challenge)

I intended to write through April. It is April 7. Why have I not yet written? I forgot! YEP. It just left my mind until I was in my notebook yesterday and thought of a word to write about. I went to my list, and a vague memory of writing the date came to me . . . IT'S ALREADY APRIL! What kind of fog have I been in?

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And now it is April 9. I will reset the publishing date to April 1 so posts stay in order and show up on the correct day each was issued. But just know ... I'm all over the place! Maybe I will catch up today. It's Easter, after all, and all about resurrection. Will I resurrect this intention?

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This writing challenge has a theme: resilience. I noticed that the word resilience skyrocketed with the pandemic. That surprised me! It seems like a solid, steady, evergreen word to me. This is the groundwork. I have highlighted portions that stood out to me from the merriam-webster.com website. This is my analogy. Have I had setbacks? Yes! Has my life been deformed? Oh my. YES! Do I want to leap back and recover my true self? Yes again!

 resilience  noun

re·​sil·​ience // ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s 

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Using Resilience Outside of Physics

In physics, resilience is the ability of an elastic material (such as rubber or animal tissue) to absorb energy (such as from a blow) and release that energy as it springs back to its original shape. The recovery that occurs in this phenomenon can be viewed as analogous to a person's ability to bounce back after a jarring setback. The word resilience derives from the present participle of the Latin verb resilire, meaning "to jump back" or "to recoil." The base of resilire is salire, a verb meaning "to leap" that also pops up in the etymologies of such sprightly words as sally and somersault.

“Resilience Definition & Meaning.” Merriam-Webster. Merriam-Webster. Accessed April 9, 2023. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience. 

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And now to the real blog of what I want to say/document (or whatever this turns into). 

ABIDE

The definition of this word disappointed me. There is a lot of tolerance and even suffering involved! The most simple summary I found of abide is this: "to be able to live with or put up with." (vocabulary.com) 

I expected cozy words. I wanted to snuggle up into abide like a secret sanctuary where I thrive in peace and comfort. My original thought was that if I have a place to abide where I flourish, even if it is only inwardly, it enables me to have resilience—a place where hope is alive and tasted daily, a place of rest and refreshment, a place to regroup, reflect, and eventually bounce back or be reborn.

This word abide is more like the wheels-to-the-ground working of resilience. It's rugged. It's war. To abide is to endure a vigorous onslaught without yielding or submitting. (dictionary.com)

But there's also an oddity. I found another word for abide: brook. 

As it turns out, there's a use of brook that must be somewhat archaic! Either brook or abide can be used when it comes to topics like tolerate, allow, accept, bear, endure. (thesaurus.plus) Of course, I stuck my nose into it a bit. There are all kinds of nuances in the etymology that intrigue me. Maybe tomorrow's B-word will change to brook!

My original plan of diving into key words to resilience just jumped track! I've got a mystery on my hands.

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#AtoZchallenge #2023 #resilience #abide 

PS. And if you like notebooks, these are my current favorite. The covers are from my night walks in holiday lights. 

That Feeling . . .

 

You know that feeling that's hard to describe because it doesn't fit neatly into words? Yeah, that one. It doesn't matter if it's happy or sad (except that sad is sad) because it defies a description. 

How many times do we just gloss over those? How many times to we obsess? I don't know. But what I do sense in myself is that I'm tired of doing either one. I'm tired of being tethered to extremes while the river of life is rushing by making currents around me.

For decades, my familiar zone has been crisis. I don't like to say "comfort zone" because it's not comfortable. But in some ways priorities are easier. They present themselves surrounded by disaster. I think it's easier to stack sandbags against a flood of disaster than to dream of a new life.

So here I am on yet another "adventure" of breakthrough looking for the sandbags and some sort of directive of where to start stacking. I'm realizing that the only disasters on the way are tied to other people--people I love, people who have been battered by life alongside me, people who have different hurts, and people who cope in ways I can't comprehend.

I don't have the strength for this.

I know. I know. I can do all things through Christ. The joy of the Lord is my strength. But now I'm asking for what? There is a grace for God's will. Is His will for me to stay in these trenches? What does that look like without me being an enabler? Am I to rise up myself and later offer a hand? How do I stop the erosion? Should I stop it? 

At one point I decided to not do anything until I knew what to do. 

Sigh. That seems like a neverending place to be. So I feel like I need to shift--just not now, not in a sleep-deprived state. For now, I think I need to be satisfied knowing that I expressed something instead of glossing over the undefined discontent in my soul.