Saturday, January 31, 2009

Life Blows By ...

It all happens so quickly ... life happens. Good things. Hard things. Important things. Beautiful things. Really HARD things. No matter how long the unfavorable circumstances seem to drag on and on, looking back feels like the wind. I can only pray that I can look back on moments like this and feel the same way.

Today I am lamenting. I am angry, too. And I wish I had the words to explain in ways that the world opposite from me could understand. But it would take a book. I have searched my brain for a suitable summary but can find none that is adequate beyond a diatribe.

I try to step back and realize that most of us never intended to be where we are today. I try to accept the fact that every individual has his or her own sense of reality. But when the past, present, and future collide and perspectives are imbalanced ... it all jams up in the middle like an old typewriter. No one's story is seen or heard. Well, I take that back. The loudest, angriest and most selfish voices get heard. And unfortunately, it is the ones who try the hardest to lessen the hurt who are hammered on the most.

The jam up seems so unfair. It's not uncommon. Just unfair. As the years roll by, I begin to understand how people can be bitter. But I understand it anew ... it's not just by being wronged. We have all been wronged. It comes (and feels rightly so) when having to have prolonged dealings with those people who are completely unyielding and cannot see a perspective other than their own hurt.

There was a time when I was extremely compassionate towards people locked in such a quandry ... hurt and hurting others. Down deep, I know I still do, but I think I have started to "qualify" it first. I am finding that it does no good to be understanding when it is a one-way street. In fact, I am shocked by how often the one who offers understanding not only does not receive it in reciprocation but rather like an inmate, those things that could have been a constructive instrument have been fashioned into a weapon and used against the one who held out his or her hand in the first place.

When I see someone wielding that weapon or hear someone squawking about all the things that others have done to them, instead of immediate compassion, I now feel suspicion. I don't take it at face value. I've seen too many things too closely that make me wonder what the REAL story is. I'm more tempted to examine the squawker! Does anyone see the years they caused heartache or sucked the life out of the one they claims hurt them? Does anyone know about all of the attempts toward healing that the squawker thwarted? Does anyone ever realize that the one playing the victim is simply doing what they do best - making sure everyone else is at fault? Never has the thought been more poigniant: When you point a finger at someone, you have three more pointing back at you.

Yes, I have been hurt ... extremely so. So in many ways I understand. I have my own squawking moments, too. I'm sure everyone does. But one thing I can say for myself that I can't always say for others is that I do actually try and understand. In fact, what has hurt me more than anything is understanding too much. And my greatest regret at times is that I haven't tossed it aside and been the first one to the squawking block. But you know what? I don't WANT to live like that. I crave truth. I crave harmony. I crave peace. I crave understanding. I crave transparency. And I crave it to my own hurt.

So on it goes ... selfish people consuming others and blaming them for it.

Whether I am the audience or the target, I can say that my heart aches most when I can do nothing to stop the cycle and the pain oozes through the ones I love. And I pray for it to end, knowing that it might take a miracle. And I plead with invisible voices, "Hasn't there been enough hurt already?" And I know that the toll will be felt by all, and probably the most innocent among us will hurt the most.

But at the same time, it strengthens my resolve to not let myself fall to circumstance. It shakes me enough to snap me out of whatever pity party may have been trying to cloak my shoulders. And I see how fortunate I am even amidst my own challenging circumstances. Yes, there has been enough hurt already. And tomorrow, I hope I can mark it with joy and appreciation and love. Instead of wind rushing through ... I will be looking for the breath of fresh air.


SC said...

Sounds like you are bearing the weight of the world. Why'd you even attempt to put it on your shoulders? Wouldn't it have been better to keep it by your side and continue observing? You've layed your heart out so eloquently. Your honesty is so pure. Thank you for letting me see a bit of your insides. I hope that you'll be able to regain your emphatic focus, and not fall to the wolves.


Ingrid said...

I had to laugh ... at first when I was reading the comment from my phone (they get emailed to me - and I pretty much depend on my phone for everything now), I thought "WHO is this person to ask me those questions?" It felt intrusive, but then I realized ... STEVE! LOL. That's a whole different story! If anyone ever could ask those questions, you are certainly qualified. You've gone through so much and still come out on top.

You know, sometimes I think the weight of the world sneaks up on me. I don't realize I'm carrying it until it's hurting me or someone close to me.

Since that day that I spilled things out, it hasn't changed much. Honestly, yesterday was the first day I personally felt buoyancy! But I have also been consciously attempting to "put down my oars" so to speak.

Thanks for taking the time to leave your words for me. As always, you're an encouragement. :-)

How slow do you want the fire to burn?

  Just a little over a year ago, I had an urge to set up my special writing place. One person I wanted to tell was my aunt because I had bee...