Trust

Trust erodes and corrodes when lives are in limbo.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

Water and oxygen ... two elements necessary for life are also two elements that can deteriorate iron.  I'm intrigued.  I'm especially interested in the picture it gives of rusted out life.  Iron is so amazingly strong, yet these two elements which are life-giving (and which also do not harm iron separately) can simply by being present over time completely consume iron!

Walls and gates can lose their strength and no longer fulfill their purpose.  So too when trust erodes.  What once was strong or should be a strength is simply being eaten away.

As I think about my biggest missteps in life, it all goes back to trust.  I trusted too easily.

Mistakes and trust ... I made mistakes. I lost trust in myself.  And that was my first big mistake.

But I don't really want to reflect on the past.  I'm thinking about how limbo erodes trust.

Definitions of trust (n)

trust [ trust ]   

1. reliance: confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability
2. position of obligation: the position of somebody who is expected by others to behave responsibly or honorably
3. hope for future: hopeful reliance on what will happen in the future

Here is where I have made missteps ... at least with people and with myself.  I have had hopeful reliance on what will happen in the future.  And I have even had such confidence that I have made life changes in the expectation of those good things happening.  But what happens when that hope is unfulfilled?  It makes me think of Proverbs 13:12.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick ..."

And I found an interesting version on bible.cc about the verse from the Bible in Basic English:  "Hope put off is a weariness to the heart; but when what is desired comes, it is a tree of life."

I am weary.  I am worn.  My heart is weary to the point that I once again don't know what to trust.  I feel too weak to trust myself.  Too weak to trust myself to hear truth.  I want that tree of life to grow strong.

It's amazing what we trust versus what we do not trust.  I trust my BlackBerry but not my heart.  If I can ever "get it right" in that department, I would be on my way to conquering the world.

Immi's Hands

I've seen these hands from afar ... creating music, expressing joy, punctuating emotion on a stage or a video blog.  But the first time I saw these hands up close, they eclipsed the expected handshake and embraced me with a warm hug accompanied by a double-cheeked kiss.  That day, I watched the same hands serve others cups of soup and wrangle tools that broke ground in the walled kitchen garden.  Throughout the week, I watched these hands work and welcome day after day ... Gentle, strong, elegant and expressive ... just like her.

The humanity behind Imogen Heap's hands marked me.  Seeing her humble service, personal inspirations, intimate affections, and joyful explorations made her feel much more like a real life person (which, of course, she is).  And maybe more astonishingly, made me feel more like a friend than a fan.

So when Imogen began to play after hours at the celebration party in her home, it was more than "just" music.  It was far more than a moment to savor in the presence of someone famous and amazing.  It was life unfolding unscripted, resting and cradled ... all of us together ... all of us basking in the wash of words and moments and music shared earlier ... all of us with these meditative tones to brush through our souls.  The beauty of simply being with one another was profoundly woven in melody.

I now see how people can so easily call her "Immi" ... and it now seems so formal to call her anything else.  Immi's hands ... yet another inspiration.

The Stairs And I

I don't know why I didn't think about this before I acted on my desire to see a castle ... they don't have non-scary steps!  So in addition to my big accomplishments of walking and hiking all over creation and not dying, I also climbed TWO sets of these (there are two separate towers people can climb)!

The first one (above) took me a few times of starting/stopping/readjusting bags before I actually did it.  I held my breath, then told myself to breathe, and then would force myself to slowly breathe as I put each foot on a disappearing, skinny step.  There's only room for one on these!  Ignore the butterflies.  Think about things other than falling.  And voila!  Suddenly, you're on top!  There's only one downfall after the beautiful vistas ... you have to go back down.

But as you can see, I didn't die.  In fact, I'm uploading lots of photos to Flickr right now for others to enjoy!  I won't have time to upload them all right away (it's almost midnight here - and I have limited internet), but when they're done, you can find them here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/indigobleue/sets/72157627716733407/ 

Flowers to Flowers and Dust to Dusk

This is how my day started (in Lewes) and ended (in London) ... with a whole bunch of things in between!

Really, I wanted to write a poem, but can't seem to get the gears started.  I keep thinking about a phrase Imogen Heap used when talking about the song she is working on in conjunction with the garden project:

The piece I want to write is from the voice of the Walled Garden itself. A spoken word piece or perhaps a kind of collective voice for neglected spaces and abandoned man made structures. Being in the garden, I hear it almost sigh in relief with the news of this fresh enthusiasm. As if it's been calling out to anyone who might catch it from dust, to fall in love with it again. As those of you involved breathe a new life into the garden, community and beyond, it becomes clearer to me what it's been missing all these years and between spurts of getting my hands dirty, I'll be penning these thoughts.

And truly, the "dust" moment with the gravestone pictured above was part of a much bigger moment that I need to share ... but I'll need to revisit it and get more coherent thoughts on it.

White Cliffs to Brown Rooftops

Just have to share before I go to bed ... the sprawling view I had yesterday was from that white spot in the circle.  I am proud to say I have walked every distance in England other than trains and the cabs from the hotel to the garden.  And today? I'm extra proud as it involved my luggage from that circle area (literally down below the cliffs) coming all the way to my little nook in the sky.

White Cliffs of Lewes

Partway up the hike to the top of the white cliffs ... AWESOME view. Once we got up there, it was pastureland as far as we could see. I couldn't even see the river or road from where we were. Just green, green, green rolling hills (and cows ... and sheep)!  There's a little tiny dot of a castle over in the right hand side of the picture (ok where it would be if I could see it). That's where I'll be staying near for my last night in Lewes before returning for the launch party with Imogen Heap and Clear Village on Saturday.

Lingering lunches.
Random wafts of conversation.
Streams of light in an English tea room.
Fresh air and motorists.
These little moments may seem pedestrian but that's the beauty of it to me.
Today I will discover a bit more of what it is like to simply "be" in Gidea Park (Romford).

I wish you were here.
There's a low rumble of the organ;
The hum of tourists off in the distance.
Here, I am nestled in a corner of the prayer chapel at St. Paul's Cathedral ...
Feeling the cold stone pillar on one side
And warm wood to the other,
I'm cushioned in a respectful silence.
It is peaceful here.

Abandoned Spaces ... KEEP OUT

I woke this morning thinking about the different direction Imogen's song has taken (spoken word, garden perspective personified, gathering into anger) with an overwhelming realization ... that's what happened to me!

Imagining a personified garden being confused when people dwindled, frustrated by its own efforts going nowhere, wondering why all the good things it once knew were so far away, not able to see the "keep out" signs someone else placed on its walls ... I saw the same struggle in myself with the "married years" (and even still struggling deeply with some of the effects).

Tears came then.