Shake It Out

So far, 2012 has been one for the books! The trials have been ones I would have rather not experienced ... EVER ... but at the same time, the triumphs are starting to build.  So much of that seemed showcased as my "little" Miss M (who is now officially a teenager) danced to "Shake It Out."

I can't watch her dance to those words without crying.  It's a pretty personal statement of her own struggle. She's had to wrestle a good bit of darkness.  And we're starting to see some real light at the end of the tunnel.  Tears come even now.

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

It's Gonna Be Alright

Very uncanny week ... started with "Letting Go" at the single mother's breakfast at church and a very poignant letting go at Jeff's memorial yesterday afternoon.  This afternoon, prayer came like it hadn't for years, and as much as it was for another, it made my heart break, too, because I wasn't sure I could ever get back there.  And I even feel like I heard God speak inside me ... "THIS is what you are supposed to be doing. All that other stuff can wait."

I cried at every turn, too, it seems ... Nicole's passion as she read the scripture, Jeff's life now missing in a big jubybean-shaped hole, questions about auditions that I've been too afraid to commit to, a message on the heart that hit home, suddenly praying like I used to long ago (and so humbled that God could still find enough to work with in me), reminders of past relationships, and the great awareness that if I want to move forward, I have to do some letting go.

Of course, so many little music things keep cropping up again.  And it seems to happen with the seasons, so it isn't new.  So when I heard that Dennis Jernigan was going to be at Victory tonight, I knew I wanted (maybe needed) to be there.  And I did. 

This song captured my heart tonight ...

It's gonna be alright, child
Even through the darkest night, child
I'll even use the darkness
To teach you how to hear Me
It's gonna be alright now
Even if you don't see how
I'll even use your failure
To help you to draw near Me

Hear Me, I am calling,
"Child, come falling deeper in love with Me."
Trust Me, you must let go
Or you will never know any deeper love in Me

It's gonna be alright here
If you will let Me hold your heart near
I'll even use your sorrows
To teach you how to love Me
It's gonna be alright, child
I'll hold you really close and tight, child
I'll even use your woundings
To help you know more of Me

Hear Me, I am calling,
"Child, come falling deeper in love with Me."
Trust Me, you must let go
Or you will never know any deeper love in Me

Why do you hold on to the things of your past
Let go and cling to Me and love that will last
How can you know Me if you do not trust My love
Let go! You'll find My love is more than enough.

Context

A beautiful tree was evolving on the concrete bridge ... an unexpected surprise as I went to take photos of the band playing in the park.  I love the moments that capture creation.  I love seeing a soul express art.  When I looked at my photos, I realized that my perception may have been very different if I saw this man in another setting - even if he happened to step away from his artwork and went to another area of the park to enjoy the music.  The blackened feet and hands alone may have been enough for me to think he was filthy and probably homeless! Oh what we miss when we take things out of context.  Oh what injustice we ascribe with our assumptions.

Symphonic Musings: Bartók and Banov and Giants and Walls

There is no photo to accompany thoughts (gasp!) ... But a great deal of musing (plenty of which I won't share simply for ease of thumb typing on my BlackBerry!).

Symphony.
Sumphonia.
Music.
Ministry.

This is the chain of words that comes to mind. There are awakenings in these words and also great resistance.

Last night I found myself in the delightful atmosphere of music (much thanks to a friend who appreciates the same) and found myself enamored with Bartók. I think one of my professors mentioned him as a favorite along with Debussy, and at the time I didn't easily distinguish between many composers, so it slipped far off my radar. Funny how after a quarter of a century it can come flooding back. Béla Bartók ... I even know his first name! As both a pianist and composer, it's no wonder my professor liked him (she was a pianist, violinist, and conductor and loved to conduct the more expressive pieces - and the piece tonight was certainly that).

Tonight at the symphony (well, it still feels like tonight!) I wanted to be invisibly in the midst of those musicians ... But not playing. I wanted to be lying on my back in a meadow, sensing breezes and butterflies and fragrant clover, staring at the sky or my own imaginations scrolling by, swallowed up by sound. A few times, I closed my eyes, but couldn't lose myself too far in a reverie because I didn't want anyone to think I was sleeping!

All this came on the heels of getting weepy as I passed by the pianos in the music store a couple of days ago.

Again, it makes me wonder if God is up to something. These little intersections of musical emotion are not new. I keep bumping up against these bits of abstract glimpses and feelings. Yet there is a great resistance within me.

I just remembered how Georgian Banov said he saw a sleeping giant within me. Ironic ... I think he is also Hungarian like my "new friend" Béla. His music also easily impassioned like breathing, just in a whole different genre ... Praise and worship.

So how does one go about gracefully wakening a sleeping giant? I don't think it's an embrace easily enjoyed.

I probably need to pull out my "I Project" again and continue capturing/remembering/accepting those significant moments. Even now as I am remembering, tears are coming as I recall the great parade of people who have been a voice into these things already. It's awfully humbling. And I think, "Who am I to resist?"

But it's not as much willful resistance as it is fear, I think. And fear started with doubt. Doubt started with trust ... Trust misplaced. All along, I could have trusted my heart.

Last night I was reminded of how G would kick me under the table if it appeared to him that I was enjoying a conversation too much. And I remember being at many a table with amazing ministers, men and women of God who were inspiring and deep thinkers and enjoyers of life, and the signal would come to disengage.

But I also wonder now if the motivation for that signal was insecurity or intimidation? I remember in 2004 before the grand unveiling and crumbling, G said he thought he might be ready to accept my gifts and talents without being intimidated or afraid he'd lose the spotlight. Maybe that's part of the picture throughout!

Intimidation so easily turns around and intimidates. And me? Because I so easily trusted, I so easily accepted. I wrestled but believed it was for my own good. And I ultimately imprisoned myself with invisible walls.

It's time for them to come down. (I almost didn't write that because the thought scares me ... But I feel like I need to say it. GOSH does it ever scare me! I'm fighting myself to delete it even now. Yet I'm leaving this moment here. Evidently it's important.)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Immi's Hands

I've seen these hands from afar ... creating music, expressing joy, punctuating emotion on a stage or a video blog.  But the first time I saw these hands up close, they eclipsed the expected handshake and embraced me with a warm hug accompanied by a double-cheeked kiss.  That day, I watched the same hands serve others cups of soup and wrangle tools that broke ground in the walled kitchen garden.  Throughout the week, I watched these hands work and welcome day after day ... Gentle, strong, elegant and expressive ... just like her.

The humanity behind Imogen Heap's hands marked me.  Seeing her humble service, personal inspirations, intimate affections, and joyful explorations made her feel much more like a real life person (which, of course, she is).  And maybe more astonishingly, made me feel more like a friend than a fan.

So when Imogen began to play after hours at the celebration party in her home, it was more than "just" music.  It was far more than a moment to savor in the presence of someone famous and amazing.  It was life unfolding unscripted, resting and cradled ... all of us together ... all of us basking in the wash of words and moments and music shared earlier ... all of us with these meditative tones to brush through our souls.  The beauty of simply being with one another was profoundly woven in melody.

I now see how people can so easily call her "Immi" ... and it now seems so formal to call her anything else.  Immi's hands ... yet another inspiration.

Even more Imogen Heap Excitement!

This screen shot of the video concept has me wondering if that just might be my sunflower video projected on her back!  MAYBE!!!  I was catching up on the video blog tonight and in addition to this, there were some MORE specific photo mentions!!!  Imogen was sharing some of her personal favorites, and the second mentioned was one of my dirty rusty things, the third was of my "teal" dirty rusty things.

I'm beginning to think/hope that I might have a chance at being one of those invited to Imogen Heap's house on Monday!  I wonder if I could/should consider going as it is a once in a lifetime opportunity (should it happen, of course).  Hmmmmmm.

Here's the link to the video blog.  You can look for the following things in the timeline:
11:10 - "Somebody's Sunflower" projected on her back ... maybe mine????
26:30 - my photos of "dirty rusty things"
26:52 - bicycle things - not specific, but two of mine are bicycle images!
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/13496853

By the way, her sketch of the video concept will be going on ebay with the $$ being donated and the person winning the sketch also being invited to attend Monday.

Love The Earth

Sunset on Mount Scott, Oklahoma from Ingrid Williams on Vimeo.

I've been so inspired recently with a couple of videos (below) that are a little like my style of still photography that I decided to try my hand with a little handheld unit while on my surprise birthday vacation.  THEN ... I heard about Imogen Heap's Love The Earth film project and decided I'd see if one of my little clips might be worth sharing.  So ... what you see if my first ever attempt at capturing the beauty of nature via video.  My original inspirations are linked below, but I AM CHOMPING AT THE BIT to create now.  Not just the images and the moments that breathe behind them ... but creating the music, too.  Maybe my heart really can find some footing to revive itself musically!


Around Venezia from Icam on Vimeo.


Un jour de printemps from Icam on Vimeo.

Rascal Flatts Concert

The little cowgirl next to me would have loved this moment if we had been ones to go down front! It was fun - people could text things - and every once-in-a-while a few more would get invited down. Pretty cool!

Golfers, and Family, and Caves ... OH MY!

We FINALLY made it to Branson ... and I'll spare you the details, but it was a feat! Time with family was short but very sweet. There were spouses and children to meet. Even my own little Miss M was a newcomer to almost all of them! I think it had been at least 10 years since we had seen most everyone, which is AMAZING. It's hard to believe it has been that long. I wish we could have had more time to spend with everyone. Unfortunately, life is too demanding at present. So I count the time as very, very precious. Every single person was a delight! Click on the album below for the highlights.

Dietz Family in Branson

Wannabe Hasbeens

He might be the Wannabe ...

I could be the Hasbeen ...

It was a treat to see the Wannabe Hasbeens in so many ways! Chris hasn't changed much at all it seems, same goes for Lori. How they got kids who are practically grown is beyond me! It's great to see the same heart in someone who was so influential in my life so long ago. I have to admit, some of it brought some tears ... but mostly from regrets. Not in a professional sense, but more in a personal one. The greatest being that I didn't listen. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had let some words he spoke sink in!

But enough about that ... the great part? I got to introduce my fiance' to everyone - and by everyone, I mean not just Chris and Lori but two more blasts from the past: Mark and Kelly. It was practically like old times except we're all grown up and have kids! LOL ... so, no, it wasn't old times but it sure was nice to see people I haven't seen for at least 10 years and haven't been able to hang out with for probably more like 17!

Wannabe Hasbeens

My photos from the night (above) ... plus a video clip they posted on YouTube:

Rooster Days

His first parade ... and I was on the wrong side of the street! I finally found him when it was too late to get a picture of his face from the front! WAH!

Sweet Sounds of Family (and funny faces)

The band concert has started and we're anxiously awaiting the 7th and 8th grade bands. I've already done my crazy cousin lady photog role and went down to the band area to take photos. Little M has Little L by her side and is a happy camper. My thought at the moment is simply, it's nice to have family!

These Beautiful People

I think I need to start making a practice of buying music from the musicians I meet in my travels. I have never been so relaxed in an airport! And the nice thing is she hails from my home state of Minnesota. When I have her information at hand, I'll post her web site and an excerpt of her music.

What makes the stories special ...

It's the people behind the stories, and the lives connected to the people. Today I met a man with stories about pianos. Hopefully I'll get to hear more of them and even photograph him with some of his musical creations! But I won't let the cat out of the bag on his stories right now. Let's just say that I heard some things that should be pitched to some publications, and I would like to be the one to do it. He was at my house today looking over a piano that had been on a long journey into my living room. It has some things that need to be fixed, and thankfully someone referred me to this man who I believe to be quite a unique expert! I'm sure I'll have more to share about him later ... in the meantime, meet Piano #5.

The piano pictured above isn't as grand or as unique as the ones I heard about today ... at least not in the world of pianos. But in my world? This piano can't be replaced by the most valuable instrument on the planet. This is the piano I hope to pass on through the generations, each with their own stories in the strings of this instrument.

There used to be another piano in my immediate family. It was from my mother's side and I believe there was a photo of my great grandmother seated beside it. My memory holds it as a wonderful old sepia print with an elegantly prim woman and a piano covered in some kind of needlework with pictures upon pictures set out on top. I learned to play piano on the same instrument (and I'm hoping I have my stories/photos right now that I'm actually blogging about this) and loved it because it was part of my family. People I was related to but never met played those keys, and that made it special.

Photos are in my albums of me as a child all the way to a young lady as I learned to express myself. It was my solace many times. The last time I played the piano was in my mother's duplex (she had moved to town after my parents' divorce on the farm) in Montevideo, MN. When she got ready to go to Tulsa for a wonderful opportunity to get her doctorate, the piano found a temporary home to be played and loved while mom was away. BUT - the piano was lost. At one point we thought it had been tracked down, but now we don't have any clues. (By the way, if anyone is interested in solving a mystery, leave a comment!)

My heart continues to break over that. Sometimes sad things happen ... sometimes a lot of sad things happen ... sometimes they pile upon one another until one's heart nearly breaks to bear it.

Piano #2 also has a little heartbreak for me. I was quite proud of the piano. This was MY piano. I worked and worked and bought myself a beautiful, black grand. It wasn't huge (it had to fit in my mother's duplex, after all, with piano #1 while I was "recuperating" from my first attempt at college), it wasn't glossy, but it was definitely GRAND and it was mine. Again, the solace in the keys found my heart many times over the next few years. The heartbreak? Well, it was for a good cause, but it was sold for a more "practical" instrument.

"Piano" #3 isn't really a piano. It was a dream I began to pursue in music and ministry. I needed a keyboard, the Christian band I was in needed a keyboard, and since I couldn't haul my grand piano with me as I went back to college (this time for Music Evangelism and Performance) it was sold and I bought a keyboard. This instrument went beyond my own solace and made a difference in the lives of others. This is where my own creativity began to give birth and I began to pour out of my heart not just in my own meditations, but in public. I brought this with me when I was married along with all my hopes and dreams of impacting the world.

You guessed it, there's heartbreak. My then-husband convinced me to sell mine (his was newer and better). Of course it made sense, but it wasn't mine and all my history left with that instrument. As an anniversary gift, however, a digital piano found its way into the living room. "Piano" #4 isn't a "real" piano. It was digital, but it was better than no piano! I don't recall ever writing any music on that one. I guess there's not a lot to remember. He talked me into selling that, too.

FINALLY ... my Piano #5 makes an entrance, and this one is SPECIAL! I have relatives who are making a big move, and after my grandmother's estate and much housecleaning going on, an old piano is rediscovered. Initially, it's future was the dump. Thankfully my father asked if I would be interested in the piano if it could be restored. WOULD I??? WOW! YES!!!

It takes a long, long time and thousands of dollars, but this summer it was finally done. The family met together on August 6th, my late grandmother's birthday. We all gathered at my father's home in Minnesota. My aunts have brought music from their childhood. This is the piano they played when they were little. Family favorites were played. My children looked bored (which bothered me), but the rest of us found tears in our eyes many times. I learned things about my family and heard stories I never knew. They talked about how they would dance in the living room to the music. They gathered together to sing. One aunt played a childhood song that my grandfather had dubbed, "Tinkle Tinkle BANG BANG" and we laughed and cried when we heard the music.

This piano is special. It's practically alive with the stories and the history woven into my family's tapestry. While I hope to still find the other piano, I feel like God has given me a special gift. Tears can't tell it, my heart can only feel it. I think it's time for me to play again.